can't sleep


Gonna Let It Happen

Hello, E.

It’s already past 2 AM here in my clock and I decided to spend some few minutes to write something about my life and what I’m feeling right now. You might be sleeping right now cause you already arrived the Philippines from your Hongkong trip (this is my initial assumption so maybe I’m just plainly wrong.)

I’m doing an all-nighter since 10 PM because I need to finish all my backlogs this week. I am currently working on with 3 different projects (all have strict deadlines) and I almost feel I am burned out. I have so many things to think about – family, you, work and school.

I was talking to Don a while ago and ask him about his first few weeks in HP. He looks okay. Tried catching up with Teejay as well and he told me that he’s currently drunk, which was kinda funny cause he keeps on talking about his Beef (his girl). He kept on telling me that he loves this girl very much – and I couldn’t agree more.

I am still thinking if I need to drink my 2nd coffee for tonight but decided to eat a bowl of popcorn because I need all the sweets I can get for my coding tasks.

It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going

I kindly badly want to talk with you. I don’t want to sound clingy but I really want to have a moment with you. It’s been a pretty rough month for me because I’ve been overworking myself and stress has always been there. I am still taking care of myself, don’t worry. It’s just that I sometimes lose my appetite and I don’t feel eating the whole day. (Don’t be disappointed if you’re reading this part.) I still keep on eating large amounts of food every evening so that I can still compensate my missing morning and afternoon meals.

I’ve been trying to connect with other people because I’ve been away from my family for too long already. Dad’s gonna leave next week for another year for work and I hope this time will be his last joining the cruise. I currently need to support my family because I’m the only person who’s working right now and also want to help my parents. It’s kinda frustrating that I can only do as much because I also need to feed myself and trying to live independently. But I know everything’s gonna be alright.

By the way, I’ll be leaving Manila to Cagayan de Oro next week for a client’s user acceptance testing and training. It will be a short, quick escape from my usual work back here in Manila, so I will try to enjoy my short vacation with my other boss there.

How are you doing, really? Although you kept on telling my that you’re just fine, there were still doubts over my head. I’ve been terribly busy and should have been seeing you more often especially that you’re already graduated from the College. For almost 2 months I haven’t ask you going out because I feel you need all the time to catch up with your friends after the dreadful (but very important moment for me) thesis days and things to do before finally leaving the campus for real this time.

I felt being inconsistent to myself, especially for the time I think you needed me the most. I haven’t tried enough to get in touch with you. I really want to ask you out but you always look busy (even Teejay told me that you are) and there were times you don’t really wanna talk with me (but definitely okay with it).

Speaking of Teejay, he asked me to add Beef and he kept on telling me how much he loves her. To tell you the truth, me and Teejay will visit her place because her dad will be our first client. Let’s just hope Teejay can pull off a good quotation for the system that will build for them.

I never stopped thinking how I will ask you out because I still have this little fear that you’re going to reject my invite. I am not yet going to invite for a fancy dinner (but will gonna happen soon), but I want us to see each other with the bunch of friends. I invited Don few hours ago if we can have a late dinner with him and TJ near your place, so it won’t be hassle with you.

Just want to know some few things happened last week. I went out with my students (Edmar, Aris, Steffi, Gelo, and Denise), along with other CSB peeps (Ella, MMA people) and Jem (from St. Scho and a friend of Ella), during happy Thursday. I was trying to to unwind from stresses at work and tried venting out my personal problems with them.

I still kept my promise that I’ll start drinking beer or any alcohol-related if you’re going to accompany me only. I still did my best to have my pakikisama with them, so I brought my own drink, which was a bottle of red wine.

I finished the entire bottle of wine and let some of the peeps taste it. Most of them didn’t like it cause the alcohol was too strong. I also remembered that I had an argument with the waiter because of the corkage fee. I demanded that I should get a fair price and he obliged. Overall, it was good late night Thursday. I went home around 3 AM and fell asleep to get ready for the next day.

“It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore.”

When I was with them that night, I suddenly remember the time you told me about your best Happy Thursday – when we stayed the entire day and night trying to accomplish everything from your capstone project. It was almost past 3 AM when we still wanted to stay together and stayed in McDo to have a cup of coffee, when suddenly, some of my students saw you with me for the first time. They even thought that you we’re also a teacher. Although we’re already tired that moment, I still felt it was a special moment with you, see you smile like that when we’re together.

I know it’s bad to think about the things that happened from the past, but these moments help me to find silver linings to all the things that are presented to me right now. These things make me stop, think, and appreciate life and how I was (and will always) be thankful for having you around in my life. Really just thankful to all the blessings, good or bad, that comes my way.

“And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive”

I won’t get tired of you, Eriza. Not yet. Allow me to show all these emotions until nothing has left. I don’t want to sound dramatic but I just want you to also understand that I cannot leave you behind just because not everything is okay. I want to be here for you no matter what kind of situations you and I are facing.

I want you to stay strong. Yes, you can see how vulnerable I am right now, but I won’t leave you just because of my weaknesses. Sorry for being stubborn, but you know already how I feel about you from the start.

I have so many things to share but I just want to end this post by saying:

Sorry if I cared too much. I really want to make things right.

– A

PS. Hope you had a good night sleep. Take care always.

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