Good evening, E.

I decided to write a quick blog before I finally head back to sleep. I was trying to sleep before 12 midnight but my body clock is still not up for it.

Anyway, I just want to recall what I dreamed the other night and I wanted to share this to you. It was a the first time I felt unhappy when I woke up from a good dream (since I saw you there).

It was almost afternoon when you arrived from our home in Cavite, smiling. You were holding a big stuffed toy, almost 4 feet tall. You were smiling and laughing before the stuffed toy were as if it was moving and dancing.

Then I saw a note from the big bear (it was a blurry moment) that it came from someone. I can’t hardly see the handwriting but it definitely it wasn’t mine. Little did I know that it was your birthday (knowing that you told me that you’ll be celebrating your big brother and father’s birthdays.)

My heart felt rushing, not because I was happy, but I felt incomplete. I felt really bad that I didn’t have the chance to surprise you. My mom even told me that it was your birthday and she told me that received other gifts from others, except from me.

You were waiting in our small kubo just outside the garden and near the door, anxiously. You were waiting as if you were expecting something from me. When I went there to see you, I felt disappointed to myself. I went outside empty-handed. I thought to myself that I can’t even give you a greeting card or letter, so I went back inside the house and looking for a piece of paper and a pen. I was too pissed when I decided to wake up, not knowing that it wasn’t even your birthday.

When I woke up in the morning, I realize that I haven’t spent some time to write a letter for you – a handwritten one – just like the old times.

Honestly, I’ve been terribly busy for the past few days we could have seen each other. I felt that I never made any effort just to see you. Maybe because it’s a bad timing. When I was trying to reach you, you were also preoccupied with other things – which I do understand. I just felt that I could  use a breather away from work. I could use some time off to catch up with our lives together. I do miss our small talks.

It’s almost 9 days before your graduation day and I’m excited for you. Both of our lives will be busier but I just want to tell you that I’m always here for you, even we have topak days (I also have one!) or signs of discomfort. I always want to make you feel safe even I’m not around, because I care for you.

On the side note, I cut my hair really really short. Most of my students liked it but some we’re feeling uneasy because it’s not your typical Abram. Sir O liked it. Even the new CA secretary was surprised and mistakenly identified me as a student. Boss Ben liked it first but he said I had a funny haircut. I’m still trying to act confidently in front of people, but sometimes I feel funny with myself too (cause my face is too round!). I want to grew my hair really really fast so it would turn our great when we finally see each other.

I have so much stories to tell you and hoping we can talk person to person again. I miss those smiling face of yours, and how you would strike your pogi sign with your adorable cheeks. I even miss how you laugh to my corny jokes, or how you trash talk when I’m already losing hard from a game of Monopoly Card Deal. I miss how you always win in our small arguments, seeing your competitive side. Did I say that I also miss how you smoke your cigarettes next to me? (Not sure if you’re smiling while reading this part or you’re thinking that I’m getting weird already.) It fascinates me how you look calm and serious while smoking, yet you still maintain that witty side of yours.

I miss you, E. And I still can’t stop thinking about you.

Good night and take care! Hope to see you soon.

For the longest time,

-A

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