Life Choices

Hello, E.

It’s been almost three months since the last time I post something new here in my blog. Both of us have been terribly busy this term and I would like to make up for all the lost time. Please expect that this is going to be a lengthy post, and I am sure that you are already missing sharing our stories together.

I just spent the night with you in Starbucks near school, drinking a warm cup of chocolate. (I suddenly remembered the first time I asked you to go out on a Sunday for a cup of coffee.) It was a good moment for me that I was able to talk to you one on one – just the two of us.

(I am actually trying to recall everything that happened tonight and they were so many. The next few lines will be random.)

You mesmerized me. Every time I just want to stare at your face, I just want to forget all my problems in a while. I want to see myself looking at you the whole day without even talking to much. I really want to memorize all your facial features, from your hair to your chin, so that every time I feel down or alone, I will never forget that face of yours.

I love watching and noticing you. Please don’t get weird about this but I really love how you react using your facial expressions. I want to see how you look when you’re feeling happy, sad, or angry. Of course, nothing beats the happy face of yours. I would want to see something like that every time I wake up in the morning.

I thought it was a bad call for talking about your belly. I actually smiled a little when I saw that you still have some fats left. I think I poked you twice and I notice that you’re getting thin. You’re getting “less-huggable” and I don’t want that to happen. Do you know that I haven’t really gave you a ‘proper’ hug yet?

You held my hands several times when you tried to draw something in my fingers. Not sure if you were also trying to massaged my hands since you mentioned during one of our conversations about physical therapy. Your hands were gentle and soft that I almost wanted to hold them for a long time. I was just too shy to ask you if I can hold them until you left. Probably next time.

I like the way you’re being jealous. Not that it’s healthy, but I actually find it it funny that you always joke about my friend. If only I can just hold your hands tight and try to stop you for saying those kind of joke, that would be better. I want to do something to reassure you that there’s nothing going on between me and my friend, and she knows that I really really like you.

It’s almost 12 midnight and I hope you were able to arrive home safely. I felt about myself for not accompanying you going home because of other priorities. I suddenly realize how important it is now to have my own car, which I don’t have one yet personally. The truth is, I am trying to save for a house (my own house) rather than getting my own car without the support of my parents because having a home is better. And I thought of getting our future house first, if you’re gonna ask me.

I see myself with you for the next years to come. You might think that “over-plan” too much but I want to keep it that way. I want to have a goal for myself and start a life plan with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that this is too early for you, or probably you’re not thinking the same thing as I am. I want to plan ahead even though our future together has still room of uncertainties. I want to provide you a better future that’s why I really really am working hard.

I want to prove myself that I can take care of other people – and I want it to be you. I want to make sure that when the timing is right, I will be more than deserving to be part of your future. I want my family to be proud of me and to your family too.

It’s amazing how we talk about our aspirations in life. I feel surreal every time we are talking about our future. I sometimes daydream how it would look like seeing you and spending the rest of my life with you.  Those kind of thoughts usually happen before I go to sleep.

I wanted you to know that you’re special to me. I know it takes a lot of time and effort for you to sink in to that thought, but I want you to stay for as long as you can. I want to spend more quality time with you and I hope I still have chances for that to happen.

These life choices that I have right now make me sane and insane at the same time. Thank you for this feeling. Thank you for letting me express my feelings towards you. This feeling makes me excited and giving me all the right reasons to work hard.

By the way, please don’t think that the Kisses chocolate aren’t for you. I was joking to myself that probably you don’t like eating those chocolates because you prefer the ‘other kisses’ instead of those. *wink* (Just kidding, again.)

Yours for the longest time,

– A


PS. Will continue tomorrow morning. My eyes are already tired and not cooperating properly.



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